07 Jul How to Talk to Your Child about College and Career

In my counselling work, I have seen a few themes that come in parents’ conversations with their children on college and career choices. 

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You are not pushing yourself hard enough

Many times parents feel that life was much tougher for them and the kids today have a much easier life. They have grown in a relatively comfortable environment, haven’t really struggled and as parents they have been super attentive to their needs. If this is a starting premise then it opens with a chasm and both sides feel misunderstood. Children feel parents don’t have their world and parents feel their children are not grateful enough for the comfort they have got. The reality is getting lost in between this cultural misunderstanding. While it is possible that children may have more material comfort (they may be right to tell you that it is not their fault and that can be hurtful), it also shows that as parents we are not taking a step forward to understand the peer pressure, presence of constant-on digital devices, and a keen desire to succeed at all cost pervade their lives. A good starting point for parents can be to jettison comparison with their growing up days (we all are unfaithful recorders of our own lives) and wear a curiosity and interest hat to know about the world that our children occupy and understand the pressure they face. Asking a few open ended questions like what do you find confusing/overwhelming? What holds you back? Where can I be useful? These questions invite conversations rather than delivering judgements or directions. A good, fruitful conversation will give you a few pointers and your inputs will be much appreciated.

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You can pursue anything you like

Just because our children have choices and as parents we are ready to support them, it doesn’t become easier for them to decide. In fact, there have been enough studies that document that more choices are not useful in making decisions and create more stress. Most young people struggle to make sense of endless possibilities and often find it overwhelming. Parents can help them by offering a limited number of options (mostly three works very well). By giving them a defined space, children know the real options they are evaluating and most importantly, the agency to make the final decision lies with them.

You are adult enough to make your own decisions

Yes, most teenagers look big, at times bigger than parents but they are still in the growth stage of their development. Most importantly, they are learning to emotionally regulate their lives. The crucial part of their brain, Pre Frontal Cortex (PFC) is still not fully developed and that limits their abilities to fully comprehend the time horizon of their choices. By being involved in the decision making process, not micro-managing, parents provide safe scaffolding which gives a structure to young adults to make confident choices. Parents can provide a safe sandpit and allow them to make a few mistakes and learn from them.

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You need to AI-proof your career

Now this is a hard problem. I see most parents struggling with it and trying to find a safe haven where the professional lives of their children will be protected from the upheavals of the changes that technology will usher in. Till now we had an abiding faith in college credentials to pave the way for a professional career. This is no longer a linear path. As a society, we are in an unchartered territory. So, there are no easy answers there. This particular point specifically rests with parents. A few things that parents can do: (a) don’t pass on your anxiety. Our children are looking at us to give them some clear answers. We can’t share our concerns and leave it to them to manage. Remember, our chronological age is more than 2/2.5 times of our children and far more in terms of life experiences. So, let’s not treat technology as an existential threat (even if you feel so in your heart of heart) but something that needs to be embraced without taking it as a black box. It does require parents to make an effort and understand AI. (b) school time is for acquiring hard skills, not just collecting credentials. It is more important than ever before. Please invest time and resources in sports, art, music and nudge for holistic development not just academic resume. Our kids need all their arsenal to be deployed in future. (c ) developing foundational skills in Math, Languages, human relationships, dealing with uncertainties should be our new focus area. Our invitation to parents is to have an open dialogue with their children, accept their own limitations, and make a transition from being a parent to a coach can help. Above all, in a moment of self-doubt, always trust your instinct not the marketing hype.